


Pissed

by ailaikannu



Series: Letters From a Shattered Heart [4]
Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Clexa, College Clexa, F/F, Falling for your straight best friend, Letters from a shattered heart
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-10
Updated: 2016-09-10
Packaged: 2018-08-14 05:45:53
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,498
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8000779
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ailaikannu/pseuds/ailaikannu
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Part 4 of Letters From a Shattered Heart.<br/>Lexa falls for her straight best friend, Clarke. This series is made of letters she writes to describe what she's feeling.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Pissed

Whoever you are,

                                 I see Clarke standing in front of my window, looking pissed.

I just wanted these weeks home to pass without incident and, yet, here I am. It’s the second morning I spend at home and she’s already there, looking like she could kill me. She is staring daggers at me as I slowly walk to the window.

I carefully open the window and she jumps inside, without even looking at me.

“What the fuck ! Lexa, what the fuck !” She yells. I’m stunned by how normal it feels to have her in my bedroom. I am telling you, I feel better now with her yelling at me then I did before she came inside.

For a moment, I’m afraid my mother might hear her.

I don’t really care.

I open my mouth to speak, but she raises her hand and I let her go on.

“You father fucking texts you and you don’t call me ?! You should have !” Her voice is getting louder and louder with each word. “I told you I needed to slaughter him the moment he left, but you said it was illegal and that I couldn’t go to jail. You should know that no matter what happens between us, if he contacts you, I already have my machete in hand. I don’t care if you don’t want to see me ever again, but this is some serious matter, and I need to be here.”

She paces back and forth as I look at her, stunned.

I don’t even know what to say.

“Well ?” She looks at me, her eyebrows knitted together. “Are you going to say something or am I going to keep talking to myself ?”

“I…”

“Okay, it’s okay.” She sighs. “Did you call him or shit ?”

“No.”

“Good, you’re still smart.”

I can’t help but laugh a little at her comment. “Why are you here ?” I ask her, quietly.

She looks offended. “I’m here because I can’t pretend anymore. I tried, you know I did. I don’t even know how I managed not to call you for this long. I think I have about a thousand drafts in my phone, texts I never sent you. You said you want us back, and my life feels pointless without you in it. You were right when you said we’ve lived our whole lives together, because we have. You were there for every stupid problem I had as a kid, you were there as I grew up, you were there. We can get over this, Lexa, I’m sure we can. I read your letters like three times before coming here, I wanted to make sure you really wanted us back.

Because you do, don’t you ?”

Of course I do. Isn’t it clear ? Just now, as I raise my head to face her, I realize that she’s crying. I don’t know how she managed to keep her voice calm throughout the whole speech.

“Yes, I do.”

She looks relieved. “And, even if I’d accepted that we’re not friends anymore, I would have been here anyways. Your father texted you, you really expected me to pretend it didn’t happen ?”

“No, of course not.”

She looks sad for a moment. “Does it still pain you to see me ?”

I shake my head. “It’s more painful not to see you.”

She smiles brightly.

“Your hair is pink.” I state.

She looks confused.

“Your hair.”

She thinks about it for a moment before nodding. “Yeah, you know what they say about changing life and changing hair, right ?”

I nod.

I told you I didn’t know what she looked like anymore. She hasn’t grown an inch, though. She’s still slightly shorter than me.

“I never thought pink hair was your thing.”

She giggles. “Me neither, but Raven said I needed something out of character.”

“I guess you went with the right thing.”

“How do you feel about your father texting you ?”

“I don’t know. Weird ?” I shrug. “I didn’t expect it.”

She scoffs. “That son of a bitch. Are you planning on replying ?”

“No, I don’t think so. I haven’t even told Anya yet. Or my mother.”

“I think Anya would go see him and set his house on fire. With me by her side.” She says, her voice low.

“I’m pretty sure you’re right.”

“Of course I am.” She sighs contently. “It’s so easy talking to you.”

“It is, isn’t it ? I feel like we’ve bounced back to before that night, like if nothing happened.”

She smiles at me, looking hesitant for a second before wrapping her arms around me. I can’t help it anymore, and I cry violently on her shoulder, my arms wrapped tightly around her waist.

“I missed you.” She whispers.

“I missed you to.” I choke out. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t feel something for doing what you thought was right.” She says. “You thought it would help heal your heart. It just happened to break the both of us.”

“It did. Starting college without you was weird.”

“Extremely weird. I went to this party once, it was a Harry Potter themed thing… You would have loved it. The cocktails were named after potions, people were dressed up in their house’s colours and there was a sorting hat. There was this girl dressed up as McGonagall that went around separating couples who were making out, it was fantastic.”

“I would have probably cried.”

She laughs at me. “I reckon you would have. But you always do, so…”

“I don’t !”

“You definitely do.” She says, and I notice she left the stack of letters just outside my window.

She follows my gaze and smiles. “I have another one for you. I know your deep soul loves letters, and you should know I’m no writer… That’s why I came back with only one, short letter.”

She grabs a crunchy looking couple of sheets of paper from her pocket and hands it to me. “You read it, I’ll be back.”

She walks away, leaving me with her letter in hand. I sit back down on my bed and open it. It looks weird, as if it was opened and written over and over again.

_Dear Lexa,_

_I’m drunk and nothing seems to matter._

_I went to a party with Raven, she said I needed a distraction. Apparently, she thinks that doing vodka shots is a nice distraction. You know how I take vodka and what it does to me._

_I feel sick._

_Not because of the vodka (alright, maybe because of the vodka), but because I miss you. I miss hearing you yell from your bedroom because “there’s no more ink, goddammit, freaking printer.”. I miss those sad nights when you would knock on my bedroom window at four in the morning because “I feel lonely and life sucks”. I miss ordering four pizzas even if there’s only the two of us. I miss smoking in silence with you on the roof even when it’s snowing. I miss watching you decide which pen is the right one for what you want to write. I miss ordering Chinese food for an army and eat with you till we almost pass out. I miss trying to have you drink coffee in the mornings. I miss hearing you curse at your math’s homework. I miss you._

_Nothing feels the same._

_I tried painting the other day, but it feels… Weird. I don’t even know how to explain it. Even smoking feels different._

_Lexa, this is stupid._

_How did we get to this point ?_

_I know you’re hurt, I know you’re suffering, I know this isn’t fair. Being away from you breaks my heart. I’ve spent my whole life with you and these should be the best years of our lives… Why are we spending them apart ? Do you remember when we cried together because we realized we couldn’t go to the same college ? We knew it would hurt, but we were sure it was the best decision for the both of us._

_Now I just miss you, and I wish you were here._

_I wrote this letter after a night out, as you might have noticed. I hid it in a notebook a forgot about it. I found it this morning as I was looking for a ticket I lost somewhere (still haven’t found it). I guess I should give this to you, now I realize I don’t even know if you’ll be back for Christmas or if you’ll stay in college._

_I reckon you might decide it’s better for you to stay where you are, I don’t want you to get hurt just because you see me._

_I talked to Octavia the other day, she says you’re holding up. I know it means you’re still feeling like shit and I can’t blame you, because I feel the same. I really thought I’d feel better, but I still cry at night sometimes._

_Not every night, though._

_Not like I used to the first months._

_I still do, though._

_I love you_

_Clarke_

**Author's Note:**

> Part 5 is going to be the last one !


End file.
